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This guy just happened to be the last one alive at the bottom of the rat-infested, stinking pile of filth known as the 2008 right’s field.

John McCain | Spotlight | 2 Comments »

You knew that I couldn’t stay away from trashing Rudy Giuliani, even though he lost the race to be our 911th president.

It appears that Rudy runs a business as terribly as he ran his presidential campaign. The New York Post is reporting that Giuliani and Partners is laying off at least 5 employees.

Hmmm. I wonder what caused the firm to have to issue the layoffs. 9/11? The New York Times?

(Cross posted at The November Blog)

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Literally, it seems.

Via Oliver Willis, we discover that John McCain was in fact born on a naval base in Panama.

Why does Juan McCain hate our troops so much? Why?

Apparently Juan McCain doesn’t think the United States is the greatest country ever to exist in the entire solar system, period, or else. If he did, well, he would have chosen to be born here, because Republican zygotes are sentient beings! Duh!

Go home Panama Juan!

(Cross posted at The November Blog)

John McCain | Spotlight | 1 Comment »

By predicting publicly that he would win.

Bushtrodamus doesn’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to prediction making.

(Cross posted at The November Blog)

John McCain | Spotlight | No Comments »

(Cross posted at The November Blog)

I pray to the Gods of Comedy that this is true: Mitt Romney might jump back into the race for president!

Josh Romney, one of former Gov. Mitt Romney’s five sons, says it’s “possible” his father may rejoin the race for the White House, as a vice presidential candidate or as the Republican Party’s standard-bearer if the campaign of Sen. John McCain falters.

First of all, I think it would be awesome for Mitt Romney to let the dogs back out, and jump back in the race, simply because it would bring back some of the hilarity that has been missing from this campaign ever since Mittens dropped out.

Secondly, I’m not sure if Josh Romney realizes this, but in order for his dad to get back in the race “as a vice presidential candidate,” the presidential candidate, John McCain, who straight up hates Mitt Romney, would not only have to be ok with it, he would pretty much have to ask Mitt to do it.

It doesn’t sound like Josh Romney understands that basic rules of politics. But that won’t stop him from potentially running for Congress!

That’s right, Josh Romney for Congress, baby! Oh man, I can’t wait. Does he have 5 20-30 year old sons who could pretend to write unintentionally hilarious blog posts for his campaign?

No, he has 3 young kids, aged 5, 3 and 1. But hey, in the fakest family in America, I wouldn’t put it past them to set these little tykes up with some laptops!

Mitt Romney | Spotlight | No Comments »

After all, if he just admits that he actually does take money from lobbyists, surrounds himself with lobbyists, and even has sex with lobbyists, wouldn’t that constitute–since it would be an example of McCain truly coming clean about his dirtiest secrets–the ultimate form of straight talk?

Seriously, he could work this whole crisis to his own advantage. He should just hold a press conference and say, “My friends, here’s some straight talk: Yes, I take money from lobbyists. Yes, I surround myself with lobbyists. Shit, I even bone an occasional lobbyist from time to time. You know why, my friends? I don’t know. It’s just what I do.” And leave it at that.

Chris Matthews would swoon. He’d be like, “Wow, John McCain is so honest. You gotta love him!”

(Cross posted at The November Blog)

Election 2008 | Spotlight | No Comments »

Our friends at Redstate.com (they aren’t really our friends, my friends, as John McCain loves to say, my friends) are totally freaking out. It turns out that John McCain is a huge ABBA fan, and attempted to use their hit “Take A Chance On Me” as his new campaign song (after being totally rejected by John Mellencamp when McCain wanted to use one of his songs).

Declares the anti-ABBA forces at Redstate:

WTH? Who in the heck is advising McCain? Is there anything less manly than this?

Apparently there isn’t. I think those “gay sweaters” that his advisers have been forcing him to wear are clearly taking their toll.

(Cross posted at The November Blog)

Election 2008 | Spotlight | 3 Comments »

At least according to the website of the Washington Speakers Bureau he is.

Apparently, triumphant Rudy, who defeated 9/11 again during this past campaign, is going on a speaking tour to talk about how great of a leader he is.

According to the Speakers Bureau’s bio of Rudy, which, I’m betting $911 was written by Rudy himself: “Rudy Giuliani…helped lead New York - and the U.S. - out of the devastation that followed the attacks on 9-11,” because, of course, 9/11 turned Rudy into the President of the United States–er President of 9/11.

And! And! And! Oooh! Oooh! Rudy will be “providing audiences with unparalleled insights and compelling anecdotes to help them overcome unforeseen or unprecedented challenges - and put them back on the path towards success.” He will teach you how you too can defeat your own 9/11’s!

And also, “Perhaps no person currently on the world stage better embodies the words ‘visionary’ and ‘grace under pressure’ than Rudy Giuliani.” After all Rudy is like, one of the most famous people in the world, like, ever.

And “As a candidate for president, he galvanized the national debate,” which is why of course he’s still in the race for president to this day! He’s that galvanizing.

Oh, and Rudy will show ” leaders at all levels how to transform their corporate and organizational cultures—for bottom-line success and results,” by using his own financially solvent presidential campaign as a prime example.

Finally, this paragraph is worth quoting in full:

Hero and Inspiration: As someone who found himself on the frontlines of the War on Terror, Giuliani understands the grave personal price already paid to maintain freedom. Never one to shy away from a battle —at great personal risk, Giuliani almost single-handedly took on organized crime in New York—he reminds audiences that to protect freedom, eternal vigilance is necessary. His presentations become events of international repute and scope where large, enthusiastic crowds are the norm.

Rudy Giuliani will never, ever shy away from a battle, which is why he is still running for president. And his slide shows and Powerpoint presentations can make once-paralyzed old men miraculously walk again!

Rudy Giuliani seems to believe that he really didn’t need to be president, because the office was in fact beneath him. President of the United States is too small-time for Rudy. He’s too busy crushing mountains with his bare hands.

So there you have it, Rudy Giuliani is “one of the world’s most respected leaders,” right behind Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, and Fred Thompson.

(Cross Posted at The November Blog)

Rudy Giuliani | Spotlight | 2 Comments »

This last flip flop, of Mitt Romney coming out for John McCain, is one that even a trained dolphin couldn’t pull off.

The 12th Commandment states: If thou hast sullied a fellow Republican, thou shalt put it between thy legs and endorse thy fellow Republican when he beats thou.

Governor Romney, those about to flip, we salute you.

Election 2008 | Spotlight | No Comments »

He’s also not against torture, as he voted against the waterboarding ban in the Senate today.

But a few months ago, while debating torture apologist Rudy Giuliani, McCain said that he was against waterboarding because it was torture.

If someone can explain to me how this makes any sense, and how John McCain is still anti-torture, still a maverick, and still chock full o’ principles, I will switch party affiliations and vote for John McCain in November.

I’m waiting…

(Cross posted at The November Blog)

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